I have a binder where I keep lots of stuff. It has the kids' school schedule, ballet schedule, and my calendar, my goals, my budget...you get the idea. In it I also have just one talk, printed out from conference a couple years back. It is entitled "Daughters of God," by Elder M. Russell Ballard. I keep it in there as a reminder of who I want to be and what's most important.
I still remember the spirit I felt as I listened to it and the peace it brought me. He addressed Mothers first, then Fathers, then children, all about how to support mothers. I remember my son, who was in trouble for being too wild at the church, looked up at Elder Ballard and sat very still. He seemed to be really soaking it in.
I know I have felt frustration at times as a mother. I have felt like I'm watching others live life while I sit at home and pace, like a tiger in a cage. It has been hard at times emotionally, physically, intellectually, and socially. There are hard times, but there are also moments where you look back and say, "look at all the good I have done. Look how much I've grown. Look how much love I have in my life." Even as mothers, we are still daughters of God. He loves us and wants us still to grow and blossom. It's all about balance, and doing things at the right time for the right reasons.
I think Elder Ballard says it best:
"I'm impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life... The most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes.
"We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult... There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.
"What can you do, as a young mother, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your family more?
"First, recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.
"Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: 'The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less' (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).
"Second, don’t over schedule yourselves. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrap booking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows... Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.
"Third, even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. Avoid any kind of substance abuse, mistakenly thinking that it will help you accomplish more. And don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet. Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it."
It is easy to feel guilty for spending time doing things that replenish our wells. Even Seth at times has forgotten to take time for himself. He is so good at giving me time to cultivate my own talents, so, I've tried to allow him quiet time to read his scriptures, go running, Hometeaching, or just to talk on the phone with family members. We need creative outlets and a break from the monotony, but not in a way that they cause stress and overwhelm.
There have been times when I've had rehearsal, Seth's been out of town, and hiring a sitter hasn't been an option. I have had to tell people I just won't be there. Playing my viola in the community is an incredible outlet for me. I am amazed how much better I am becoming at it also, little by little overtime. But it is not the most important thing in my life. I've been fortunate because my quartet or symphony members have said in reply at those times, "That's okay, we understand. Enjoy this time of life--it goes so fast." I've also had people outside of the church tell me I'm their hero and they've told their daughters or granddaughters about me. At first I thought it must be because I'm such an awesome violist =), then they tell me it's because I'm a full time mother. That has been very surprising and humbling to me. They tell their daughters to keep going. They know it's hard, but it's worth it. They can do it.
And it is worth it.
The world tells us you must be educated, have a career, be skinny and beautiful to be successful. I've had everyone from Young Women leaders to random people in the grocery store inadvertently or directly inform me of such. But in twenty years it won't matter if you wore a 14 or an 8 in jeans, had a successful career, or a perfect house. It might matter what you taught for FHE though, or that you were home everyday when your kids came home from school.
The thing I'm continually being taught is life is only about what you choose to do with it. We cannot control our surroundings at times, we can't control if we lose loved ones, and sometimes we haven't lived up to what we feel could have been our full potential or our "dream life." Join the hundreds of thousands possibly millions who have felt the same way. I am becoming more convinced that truly successful people are those who are grateful for what they have, and choose to be happy despite outside circumstances. Not an easy thing to do. Just remember you are a daughter of God, as well as a mother, and he will help you to know what's most important in your life.
